Memories
by the one and only ZARIA
Summary: Based on the scene in PoA when Snape and the trio are attacked by the werewolf, Snape thinks back to other similar times back in his school days. Could be slash if you want it to be. If not, then don't look for the hints.


**_A/N: _**_Here I am, bored. So I wrote this. It's based on the film since the scene in which Snape protects Harry, Ron and Hermione from Lupin in his werewolf form doesn't happen in the book. It's just a monologue from Snape's PoV. Enjoy!_

**Memories**

That night that Harry Potter and his little friends helped Sirius Black escape took me back to a time; a time that I had previously chosen to forget.

It was that fateful night Sirius Black decided to play that childishly, hebetudinous prank that nearly took my life that I remembered. It was nearly the same, except that this time I also had three other lives to look after and there would be no one there to save me. But I froze. I allowed myself to get lost in the memories of that night, all the fears that coursed through me, and all the thoughts I had that I thought would be my last. The main one in particular being 'Why did I listen to Black?' I couldn't help but not listen to him though. The Marauders were popular among all students and the Blacks were supposed to be very supportive of the Dark Lord after all, even if this Black seemed to be leaning towards the other side. At the time, it seemed like the smart thing. So I listened to him.

If only I'd given it some more thought.

Maybe it's best not to dwell on the past. That's what you learn or are taught. But for all those who have had near 'death experiences', you will also know that your life does not flash before your eyes. Only moments you truly regret. Maybe that's what made me stop that night in 1976.

I couldn't move the first time Lupin attacked me because I was reminiscing about my life regrets. It was quite unfortunate that I'd had so many in my short life of sixteen years. But that's what made me stop. What was the point of me being here, then? I clearly did nothing worthwhile. I had so many regrets. I thought that maybe if I stopped then, then maybe I could do nothing else to harm those around me. No, that's not the general thoughts of a typical Slytherin, but I wasn't always like them. They all allowed the Dark Lord to do their thinking for them. I, however, preferred to use my own mind even if I never had a choice over the matter.

The first time Lupin attacked me, I was lost in my memories. The second time he attacked, I had no will left to live. Even if I was using my own mind rather than the dim-wits that weren't, I still thought that it was not worth it. I had the Dark Mark etched into my left forearm and there was nothing I could do to reverse the process now. With the Mark all I could do now was wreak havoc and destruction on the rest of the world. But what would _I_ gain from it?

The third time he was about to attack me, a brilliant stag appeared and stopped him. The first two attacks I had managed to evade being bitten. If that stag had not shown up, who knows how long my luck might have held.

That stag that appeared signified so much to me when I saw it jump in front of me. The first thing I thought, though, was why it seemed so familiar to me.

The night that I wanted to give it all away, was also the same night that I decided to change everything. When the stag dragged me out of The Whomping Willow, I started to feel sleep pull at me and I could barely keep my eyes opened anymore. Before I lost consciousness, I saw the stag transform into a very familiar boy with jet black, messy hair but at the moment I could not place him. Who was he? The boy stumbled over to where I lay under the frozen branches of the tree and I could see that he was badly wounded from the werewolf. Before I completely lost consciousness, I saw the boy. It was James Potter.

When I awoke, it was no more then a few hours later and I was in the Hospital Wing of the school. My bed was next to James Potter himself. Other than him, I was alone and I had some time to think. Why had Potter saved me of all people? Did he not express how he had hated me every day from the start with his juvenile pranks? If this was true, then why had he risked his life to save me? To save, in his words, the scum on his shoe? Was it just the valiant Potter blood in him that made him do it? Was it just the want for more popularity at this school then he already had? But, I thought, word of this could not get around. If the students and their parents found out about there being a werewolf in the school, they would undoubtedly send their children to other schools in a heart beat.

Some people say that it is better to be seated at the right hand of then devil then directly in his path, but is this true? If it is, then why does every one not have that Dark Mark on their inner arms?

I made the most important decision of my entire life in the hospital wing that night. I would go to Dumbledore and offer myself to him. I'd heard subtle rumours about Dumbledore starting something against the Dark Lord, but most of them were only opinions said because Dumbledore was—and still is—the only wizard He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named ever feared. But what we must remember is that no matter how nonfactual rumours may _seem_ to be there is always a fragment of truth to them, no matter how little they were.

The next morning I convinced the school nurse that I was indeed fine no matter what happened to me the night before and she allowed me to leave. I set off to Dumbledore's office immediately. To my immense surprise, he was waiting for me outside the spiral stairway. He led me up to his office.

An hour later, I left. I was feeling lighter then ever before in my life. I was now officially playing the role of a "double agent" and it would undoubtedly mean the end of me if any of the Death Eaters found out about it. But it didn't matter to me. I was doing something I wouldn't regret. I would be helping people by preventing the Dark Lord and his supporters destroying them, their families, friends, and loved ones. I had offered myself to Dumbledore.

I was now a Death Eater and a member of The Order of the Phoenix. It's spectacular how both those titles seem to contradict each other. The phoenix being a symbol of immorality and the Death Eaters who were in league with the Dark Lord who didn't have enough human left in him to die. The phoenix being a symbol of purity and good and the Death Eaters being darkness and malevolence.

Another thing people say, is that we cannot have good without evil. Every one knows that because if we only have good then how will we know that it really is good without having evil to prove that good really is good? Well I had no intention to stop evil but to restore its balance.

During the years I was a teenager, they were very dark times. When Harry Potter deflected the killing curse back to the Dark Lord, it was a cause for celebration. After nearly 20 years of living in fear, everyone believed the threat to be over.

When I stood in front of those three students, once again my life flashed before my eyes. But this time it was different. It held the same regrets that I'd had before except no new ones. I had been working for Dumbledore as a member of the Order of the Phoenix for 17 years now and I could not come up with a single new regret. I am happy with my current way of life. Voldemort is still in hiding so I know that for a little while longer I will be safe from his wrath. I can only imagine what he'd do to me if he ever found out about my double agent status. But the risk of that is small potatoes compared to what I'm still facing at the moment.

I carefully start to raise my wand slowly as to not draw attention to it from the werewolf form of Lupin. He swiped at us and I leaned back pushing the children as well. I leaned a bit too much and all four of us fell over. The were wolf decided to take that as an opportunity to attack but before he could move a large, black dog leapt out from behind myself and the three children I had been protecting.

I felt relief flood me as the Lupin was distracted by Black. My memories still swirled in my mind from being looked at so recently. The one that stood out the most, was the one of James Potter saving me. The fact that he protected me even though he disliked me so strongly. His nobility while I was so impotent. Why can I still not figure out _why_ he did it? Was it just the typical Gryffindor trait that shone through at that moment?

Whatever it was, it is one of my strongest memories I keep.

fin


End file.
